I'm sorry

26. října 2015 v 15:00 | Sonya |  O mne
Sorry for my strange English:)

I decided to write this when I was reading story of my unnamed FB friend.
After my last tentamen suicidii (suicide attempt), I realized life IS worth living. Or... sometimes. I have two inner demons, one of them is borderline personality disorder, another bipolar affective disorder. In other words: I'm seriously mentally ill, I have been since my childhood. There were things I don't want to write about, only few people know them. And only few people know that I would kill, really kill two men from my life... if I could. But there's a law. For me. Not for them.
I've been traumatised for my entire life, but I don't want any regret. My mother, whom I sometimes just hate, says: "Borderline patients always say they are, or they have been living in a trauma, that their life is a big disaster." Maybe it's all in our head, but it doesn't mean it has not noci-influence to us.
I have written a poem named "Stop regreting yourself" (it's also here, but it's in Slovak) and it is primary for people with BPD. They really love to feel sorry, but not for other people; for themselves. I realized when I was in the Czech group for BPD. They were bad. They didn't (and still don't, I guess) accept an opinion of others, they acted like "I have BPD, who's better?" But if you ride the high horse, carry on, dramatize or you were out of your mind - everybody's better. Of course, it isn't your fault you are ill. But remember: Mental illness is what you have. Not who you are. So... why do you behave so fucking weird?!
I'm only in English group now. It's incomparably better. People there try to help, they don't laugh at person. They understand because they know they can't judge. Only people "out there" judge. People who think their minds are immune, or that mental illness is something horrible, oh my god! Why do they still live in the 15th century? I don't know.

After my last tentamen suicidii, I realized I want to live, but these thoughts will remain forever. These thoughts to leave, not to feel all the pain, to be free. I know it's up to me to fight with them, and I'm so, so happy I have my therapist. She teaches how to fight, how to stay alive, to survive to fight another day. And it's only my decreased intelect (yes, I feel so sorry for this) which often foils her effort. But Martina, maybe you will never read this, or maybe I'll write this into the diary for you... at any rate, I'm glad for your help.
I know now I need a motivation. I used to have one: my expsychologist. I used to love him. How naive... But thanks to this I didn't try to kill myself or to cut. Really. I wanted, and I wanted so much! I hated him for a while thanks to splitting. I absolutely didn't see the gray in it; the gray I'm learned to see now. Only black & white. As usual...
(Of course) I hate my actual psychologist sometimes and then I feel so sorry for it. I don't mean to harm her. I don't want to loose her. I just see the black colour, then the white colour on my inner shield. (If you don't understand, never mind. Maybe me neither.) Well, I used to study history and I learned something like that black & white are the false heraldic colours. But not the golden. And even I still see things in that B&W way, I'm able to colour my shield with gold. What do I mean by this? The gold are things I don't regret; I don't want to loose in my inner mental library; which I file in the section "Forever." For example my exgirlfriend, my actual psychologist or the ex-, whom I actually hate (and I probably don't know the reason), but he gave me so much.
As you certainly know, I'm also the selfharmer, I have been for five years, to be exact. I hope it's a closed chapter of my life, but I don't know for sure, of course. So many scars, so much pain... but who will understand? Only selfharmers - and not always, I know. Even Martina doesn't understand and I also feel sorry for it. I know she can't accept my cutting, but I wish I could free my pain in other way. Okay, I won't cut myself. But I have tried to commit suicide so many times since our agreement.

After my last tentamen suicidii, I have lost my fiancé. This lost was from my side, not his. I realized he was simple idiot and he had never loved me so much as he pretended. He battened on me, he kept our relationship just because of my money. It's very bitter to admit it, but it's true. I hate myself for I was such an idiot. We have ordered the ring and I have bought some things for his bygone birthday (I spent this day at psychiatry). Things he will never obtain. Things I could give another man in my following life, although I don't want to find anyone. Relationships are bad for me, I always find an ill person. Mentally ill, just like me. And I'm enormously naive. And always regret there...
And after my last TS, I don't know who my real friend is.

That's probably all I wanted to say. Quite a lot, huh? I'm maybe stupid and I'm making a big mistake when I public it here, but the fear of rumours has been in my mind a long time ago. Maybe you don't give it a try, nevertheless. Why should you do? Because... you are my friend, maybe, and you just give me a virtual hug. Remember: The hug is one of the best non-verbal things. Trust me, I know it. It's one of the reasons I'm glad I have my psychologist, ex- or actual.

Please, be safe and stay strong. Keep going. I know life is a bitch sometimes, but just go ahead and believe it will be better. Heaps better. I'm not sorry for this desire. I think we deserve it, all of us.

xxx


Sonya
 

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